Someone shit on the floor
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
