I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
