I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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