Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
