Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
