bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
