So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
