there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
