His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
