life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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