Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
