Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
