I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
