There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
