I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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