you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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