I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Im part way to drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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