Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
