Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
