Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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