youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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