So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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