I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
