my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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