Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just pynch a tree in the face
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
