No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
