why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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