Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
