I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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