i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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