you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
