im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
