I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
