you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Randomize
