It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
