I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
