I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
