nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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