I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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