I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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