i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
