I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
