i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
