Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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