Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
