I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
