Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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