so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was CRYING into my vagina
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
