i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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