Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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