We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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