Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
