where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
