my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
