Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
