guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
