1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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