You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
